Fear, faith and money

9 Comments

Fear faith and money

“Am I acting in faith or in fear?”

I often ask myself this question when faced with a tough decision or feel unrest about my circumstances. By God’s grace my life is defined more and more by faith but fear still has some very secure strongholds in my life and over the past couple of weeks I’ve seen just how much fear I have about money.

Ryan has finished the academic portion of his MA, leaving only his internship to be completed. I figured we’d have something lined up by now and we would soon be on our way somewhere exciting. That’s not the case. Because we’ve put every penny into paying tuition we aren’t in a position to pay for an internship, like some other students, and we can’t live off our non-existant savings while we do it. We’ve spent the last year looking for a paid internship but we now recognize that’s not going to happen; they simply don’t exist.

Money is always the issue, money is what always seems to hold us back, lack of money causes me to fear.

What if we aren’t able to go anywhere because we can’t pay for it? What if we get somewhere for the internship but aren’t able to move to where a job is? What if the money’s out there but we’re not smart or good enough to get it?

I’m caught between having faith that God will provide and fear that he’ll leave us stranded. In my heart I know that he will bring the good work he has started to completion but my head isn’t ready to give up worrying and come to a place of total reliance on God.

I’m trying to live in total faith in God’s goodness, trying to have complete and total confidence in him. It’s hard, but he is getting me there.

There’s a strong option for an internship that would provide housing and food, thus being less expensive, but location is not somewhere we’re excited about so we haven’t jumped all over it. There has been lots of praying, lots of scratching my head saying, ‘Really, God? Really? Is this what you want us to do?’ 

In all this I feel God calling to me, telling me to trust him, to have faith that he is leading this journey somewhere good, to know him, to love him.

God is peeling back the layers of my self-deception, revealing how much fear money causes, and giving me faith in himself.

It’s hard but he is giving me the assurances and reminders I need along the way. He has provided so greatly for us and so many other people, I just need to be constantly reminded (like on a daily basis). He is at work in ways I don’t see and he knows where he’s taking us on this journey and I only need to follow him.

Your circumstances are probably very different than mine but I hope this encourages you to build your faith in God and trust him as your provider, knowing that he is active and moving in your life and in your finances.

May we no longer live in fear but in an ever-increasing faith in the one who is unfailingly faithful to us.

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9 thoughts on “Fear, faith and money

  1. The difference between knowing in your heart and knowing in your head can be really painful sometimes! But, my dear friend, thank you for your honesty in this, and know that I share in your frustration and confusion. Also know that no matter where you end up, Graeme and I will do our best to come visit! 🙂

    • I am counting on a visit from you two! Eleanor would be BEYOND ecstatic, after she gets over being shy. Then she’ll tell Graeme he’s taking her swimming.

      Oh, why can’t the head and the heart be on the same page? But fortunately God is continuing to work on both my head and heart and they’re both coming in line with Him, which is where they should be!

      It’s always wonderful to know that there’s someone out there who doesn’t think we’re crazy!

      • YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. Just reminding you again in case you’re doubting yourself today.

        If you’re still in Oregon in mid-August, Graeme and I will do our best to both visit AND take Eleanor swimming. We are in dire need of hanging out with both you AND your awesome children.

  2. Very well put. A fear I think we all have at some point….and yet doesn’t it seem that when we look back on our lives, God has always provided? I still marvel at how we made it through our first year of marriage with 0 dollars in the bank account, no jobs, and in school full time. How did He do it? Praying for you guys as you make decisions about the internship opportunity.

    • Thanks, Shawna! We appreciate your prayers.

      It is always amazing to look back and recognize God’s faithfulness. I always love hearing how God has provided for others and he has definitely been there for you! Looking back on my own and other’s lives reminds me of God’s faithfulness and confidence that he will provide this time, too!

  3. Good insights, Erin! And well presented! It’s funny; I worked with some of the nation’s wealthiest people, folks who had tens if not hundreds of millions of dollars. You know what drove them nuts more than anything? It was the fear they might lose it all and fall into poverty. Financial fear afflicts almost all of us regardless of our present financial condition. When the day comes where you and Ryan are “free” from the sense of lack, you’ll feel the stress of other money related concerns relevant to the season of your lives. Every season of life carries these concerns with it, just in different form. Perhaps Jesus had this thought in mind when he admonished his disciples that it is utterly impossible to serve both God and Mammon, and further admonished them to stop worrying but seek first (as if there was nothing else to seek) His kingdom and righteousness, taking responsibility on himself for everything else they (and we) would need. So head up dear niece; He’s got it all under control. You’re transparency, however, is remarkable. Thank you!

    • Thanks for your comment, Uncle Jim!

      Through our circumstances God is definitely teaching us that he is who we are to worship and serve and that he is in control of everything and he will provide for all our needs. He has never left us wanting and he is always glorified through his provision. He is bringing us to a place of complete assurance in him and his faithfulness, I’m just slow in getting there!

      You make an interesting point about how the wealth worry about money. It’s a good reminder that no amount of money is ever enough and that large amounts of money is a burden. There is freedom in living a simple life in submission to God’s will!

  4. Pingback: Pessimism, Optimism and what Faith has got to do with it |

  5. Pingback: More with Less: The Freedom of Debt-Free |

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