“Am I acting in faith or in fear?”
I often ask myself this question when faced with a tough decision or feel unrest about my circumstances. By God’s grace my life is defined more and more by faith but fear still has some very secure strongholds in my life and over the past couple of weeks I’ve seen just how much fear I have about money.
Ryan has finished the academic portion of his MA, leaving only his internship to be completed. I figured we’d have something lined up by now and we would soon be on our way somewhere exciting. That’s not the case. Because we’ve put every penny into paying tuition we aren’t in a position to pay for an internship, like some other students, and we can’t live off our non-existant savings while we do it. We’ve spent the last year looking for a paid internship but we now recognize that’s not going to happen; they simply don’t exist.
Money is always the issue, money is what always seems to hold us back, lack of money causes me to fear.
What if we aren’t able to go anywhere because we can’t pay for it? What if we get somewhere for the internship but aren’t able to move to where a job is? What if the money’s out there but we’re not smart or good enough to get it?
I’m caught between having faith that God will provide and fear that he’ll leave us stranded. In my heart I know that he will bring the good work he has started to completion but my head isn’t ready to give up worrying and come to a place of total reliance on God.
I’m trying to live in total faith in God’s goodness, trying to have complete and total confidence in him. It’s hard, but he is getting me there.
There’s a strong option for an internship that would provide housing and food, thus being less expensive, but location is not somewhere we’re excited about so we haven’t jumped all over it. There has been lots of praying, lots of scratching my head saying, ‘Really, God? Really? Is this what you want us to do?’
In all this I feel God calling to me, telling me to trust him, to have faith that he is leading this journey somewhere good, to know him, to love him.
God is peeling back the layers of my self-deception, revealing how much fear money causes, and giving me faith in himself.
It’s hard but he is giving me the assurances and reminders I need along the way. He has provided so greatly for us and so many other people, I just need to be constantly reminded (like on a daily basis). He is at work in ways I don’t see and he knows where he’s taking us on this journey and I only need to follow him.
Your circumstances are probably very different than mine but I hope this encourages you to build your faith in God and trust him as your provider, knowing that he is active and moving in your life and in your finances.
May we no longer live in fear but in an ever-increasing faith in the one who is unfailingly faithful to us.